2007: In need of a new perspective.
The condemning voice of the OBGYN slithered slowly through my head, “You are technically obese, Brigid.” I was 38. My ears burned, tears prickled in my eyes; my palms got itchy, and I could not catch my breath. I knew she was right, but I hated her for saying it. I hated skinny people, fit people, positive people. I hated public places, cameras, groups, any type of social interaction. I was fat, livid, lost, and my own worst enemy. Being nice to my children and husband became impossible. I resented everyone and everything. I could feel the little confidence I had seeping away. My self- esteem disappeared, my OCD became more ritualistic, my left eye developed a twitch, and I started to stutter over words, I fell away from God. I could feel myself spiral down into depression; I wanted to bury myself there. In 2009, P90X brought a glimmer of hope, a single shard of light, and a new perspective.
I did not choose P90X, it chose me. Growing up, I was one of “those” kids: hid in the bathroom or volunteered in the library because I didn’t know how to talk to other kids. Always picked last for gym class, and made fun of because I could never volley, catch, hit, throw, run, or kick correctly. Constantly panicked that I would disappoint, that I would never fit in, I turned to junk food to console my worry. My early 20’s brought an official diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and Bulimia. My early 30’s brought multiple miscarriages, stage 1A cervical cancer, endometriosis, and painful uterine fibroids–all of which sunk me further into abhorrence towards myself, and a lifestyle of absolute unhealthiness. I needed to fix things, and started to pray.
P90X personified itself and spoke directly to my weariness, headaches, stomach pains, panic attacks, and excuses. P90X forced me to obliterate my coping mechanisms of hair twirling, nail biting, eye-lash pulling, fasting, excessive sleeping, sarcasm, combativeness, withdrawal, depression, and introversion. P90X accepted me for who I was, and helped me become who I am today. I am not the same person I was growing up. I am not the same person I was in 2007. I am not even the same person I was in 2009 when I started my first round of P90X. I am ALIVE now, healthier than I’ve ever been. The results of P90X are beyond words, measurements, calories, meal plans, blocks, and phases. P90X was the consistency, structure, challenge, accountability, and focus that I needed. This program and Beachbody have given me more strength psychologically and physically than I knew possible. P90X believed in me before I could believe in myself. It is the blessing I wasn’t looking for that God–my almighty Father and King, threw in my path to save me from utter self destruction. Each day for me is a new change; a move forward in my life-journey. I know my story may be unnerving, but it’s mine. I own it; and it’s made me the person I am today. AND…if MY story can help someone else write theirs, then I am all in.